Whoever spares the rod hates his son,
But he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
Proverbs 13:24
Hate is a strong word. We can define “hate” as strong and passionate dislike for someone. There are many children that suffer from hate by their parents. They are abused and not taken care of. Their basic needs are not met, and they suffer from parents that are so self-absorbed they feel unloved and uncared for. These self-absorbed parents have no capacity to love their children because they spend all of their time focusing in themselves and how they might get the love and attention they feel like they deserve.
There are other parents who are the focus of this verse who think that discipline is a form of child abuse and so they do not say no to their children or provide any discipline in their lives. These parents let the children rule the home.
We have all seen these households as well. The parents will buy the child whatever they want and give in to the whims of the child. These children have no structure, guidelines, or discipline in their lives. The child rules the house.
The problem with this kind of parenting is that the children want structure, discipline, and guidelines. They want to feel loved, cared for, and safe. These parents think that when a child protests to the rules that it is easier to give in to the child rather than to hold their ground. When a spanking is needed or a “no” to a request is necessary, the parents give in when the child does not meekly submit to authority.
All children want to feel safe, cared for, and loved. They want to know what is expected of them even when they put up an argument or have a temper tantrum.
I like to look at discipline as a fence. We have raised multiple dogs and when these dogs are outside they are either on a leash or inside a fence. The purpose of the leash and the fence is for their protection. They pull on the leash and try to get outside of the fence whenever possible because they think that outside of these boundaries provides more fun and excitement and more smells than when confined. Yet, we all know that a pet that runs away has a very real chance of getting hit by a car. The fence and the leash for our dogs provide protection even though they didn’t understand this.
Discipline in the form of spanking, teaching, privileges removed, etc are each a form of protection for the child. The child does not understand these things in the moment, but the parents need to keep the end in mind. What kind of child do you want at the end of your raising journey?
A child may not tell you they feel loved and cared for when they are being disciplined. They may think that they are being abused.
One of our daughters as she grew older continued to push against the rules and guidelines that we had for her. I noticed that when I held my ground and continued to discipline her and not give in to her pleas and cries, she was happier. When I gave in to her pleas and cries, she was unhappy. The purpose of discipline is not happiness, but it is a welcome by-product of the discipline process.
When a child knows what is expected of him or her, and they know the consequences for not following these expectations they will be happier and healthier children. Children that do not know what is expected of them will live in fear. They will wonder what will cause their parent so to get angry with them.
When children do not understand and do not know what is expected of them, when there are no boundaries, they become fearful children. When children get whatever it is they want in order to pacify them, they become selfish children. They think the world revolves around them. Either one of these negative scenarios has consequences as they move on into adulthood. They struggle in relationships. They struggle in their jobs. They will struggle in their relationship with their parents.
Parenting is a hard job. It takes work, sacrifice, communication, intentionality, grace, humility, and forgiveness. Too many parents get caught in the trap of trying to do too many things as they raise their children. They then fall into the trap of not disciplining because it takes too much time.
As I look back on my days of raising our daughters, I don’t regret all that I gave up to be a stay at home mom. There are some things I wish I would have done better, and some things I wish I would have done a clearer job at communicating. I do not regret disciplining them. Self-control is best taught as they grow rather than them trying to learn it now.
Love your children enough to discipline them and do not spare the rod for their crying. Whenever I would spank my children, I always made sure that I was not angry. We would talk about the offense. They would pray and ask God to forgive them for the sin that they committed. They always had to seek the forgiveness of the person they had offended or wronged. We always ended in a hug. Many times my heart was hurting, but I knew that this moment was what was best for them.
