“Sorry.” Is this word quick to come off our lips? Not even “I am sorry, but just “sorry.” When someone has wronged you or hurt you, does saying a quick “sorry” make you feel like they really do realize the pain they have caused you? Does that one word invoke a response on your part? There is no question, so rather than an “I forgive you” we usually say “it’s okay.” Is it really okay?
Do we teach our children the proper way to make an offense right? Is it something we have put effort into and have been intentional with? If we have more than one child there are bound to be multiple opportunities to work on teaching these children the proper way to say “I am sorry.”
When our girls were young, our dining room was the place of correction and discipline. We would go in the dining room after the offender was found out and talk about the offense. We would talk about why it was wrong. The offender would pray “Dear God, I am sorry I hit my sister. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?” Then there would be some punishment. Then the offender had to go talk to her sister (we only had girls) and say the same thing. “I am sorry I hit you. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?” The offended sister would say “yes.” And then they had to hug each other. (I think the hugging was their least favorite part.)
A few weeks ago, an incident happened and it was all captured and sent to me thanks to Snap Chat. First, I received a video of the offense. Next, the offender said “What did Mom teach us…I am sorry I (she named the offense) …I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?” I was tickled to hear that they remembered what I had taught them and used it. The only part they forgot was the hug.
After some study over the last few months regarding forgiveness, I would tweak a little bit of what I would teach my daughters. Now I would have them say, “I confess I hit you. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?”
(Just to be clear in my example from a few weeks ago, there was no hitting.)
“Confess” means to “say the same thing.” Both sisters knew that one hit the other. It is like they are agreeing about what the offender did. “Sorry” can have a meaning of feeling bad only because you were caught. When we are confessing to another, we are saying the same thing about our offense. What we did was wrong. We know and so does the one that has been offended.
Wouldn’t forgiveness be so much easier if the person that hurt us, provided us with a genuine expression of their feelings for their wrong doing?
Too often today I hear parents tell their kids to say they are sorry. No punishment. No time spent explaining how the process needs to go. No teaching time in the midst of the correction. So the kid who offended looks at the other kid (if they are lucky) who was hurt by the offender and says “sorry.”
Just a measly little offhanded “sorry.” What kind of message does that convey to either one of these children? That I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and I just have to say “sorry” and I can keep doing what I want.
This weak system we have developed is not helping make our children less selfish, rather it is making them more. We do not have to teach most of our children to be selfish, rather we have to teach them to look out for the needs of others and be kind and considerate to others.
If we began to deal with each incident in a way that helped the offender to see that their actions harmed another individual and they need to take ownership of that wrong, we might have a different society.
It is never too late to start teaching your children. There may be some pushback, but be strong parents and hold your ground. Someday, they may do something to you, and if you have taught them the correct way to verbalize their wrong, they may look at you and say “Mom/Dad, I confess I did … I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?” At that moment, all the work you put into it will make it worth it.
